Reflections
by Liari
Summary: ONESHOT SPOILERS The senshi of water reflects on her past.


_A/N-Alright, this is...a different kind of piece. Introspective and a bit rambling, this is more a stream of consciousness than anything. Personal and from a different kind of focus than the actual storyline. So you know._

_Also, not only do I not own anything, this is a rather big **SPOILER **for the **ENTIRE SERIES**. **ALL OF IT. **So don't read it if you don't want to know. _

_Liari  
_

_I have given everything for you, in this life and all the ones before. My abilities, my efforts, my trust, my love; all have been yours. I do not regret __this,__ I cannot, even with as much pain it has brought me. You are every reason and more. _

_Do you know how much you mean to me? You brought me to life in so many ways; I can never repay you for that. You were the light that broke the darkness I had surrounded myself with, the warmth that melted the ice around my soul. _

_So many memories with you…_

_Meeting you, puzzled by this sunny girl who couldn't seem to get enough of life.__Being drawn out of my silent, solitary world and into yours, so full of wonder and happiness.__ Discovering that the feeling that I was different wasn't wrong, finding strength and power that I had never known before, and having you to share it with. __Realizing, suddenly, that I was no longer alone._

_Glorying in the fact that I had a friend.__ Even with all the difficulties we had, the enemies we faced, I could stand before it all because I had a friend. Then, there were others. __The __miko__ with a fiery temper, the Amazon with a hard head and soft heart, the bombshell blonde with starry-eyed aspirations.__ I belonged. _

_Fighting by your side with the rest, battling evil.__ Working as a team to defend and protect. I __had never__ seen myself as a superhero before, but it felt so good to be doing something that made a difference. I made a difference, me, the bibliophile brainiac. And there you __were,__ a shining beacon of everything wonderful in the world. You were always my princess. _

_Dying for the first time in this lifetime as I gave you the time you needed, the distraction that was so.__necessary__. Taking the power of the ones who had killed me so that they couldn't go after you, as I embraced the fate I knew was coming, the same one that Makoto had embraced to save you. You would save us all; I was certain, we all were. And we were right._

_Giving everything that remained of __myself__ to you in order to finish Beryl, all of us invoking the last bit of ourselves to pour into you. __Defeating the Dark Queen…your death.__ The warmth of the __ginzuishou__ as__ it granted your last wish: to give us another chance to live as we wanted._

_Waking to think it was a dream, loss rising in my chest, even though I didn't know what it was I had lost. __Going through the motions in a mist of fragments, confused by this welling grief for a faceless wraith that was once Mercury.__Then…remembering.__ That night at __Naru's__ gave me back a piece of myself that I had yearned for without knowing why._

_ The memories of the time before came back as well...and I mourned. In some ways, I still mourn for what we lost. I hadn't known when we fought them who they were. What they were to us. It felt as if I had lost him again, been once more betrayed by our fates. Our love was not destined to be; not as yours was. In the light of the sun and the moon, we stars were lost. But I had loved, this I knew. My Zoisite. I never showed this to you; you didn't need to know this pain. It wasn't yours to bear, my princess, so feel no guilt now. Perhaps in the next life...  
_

_You were so funny and sweet with Minami. I was so proud when you stepped up and helped __out.,__ and so angry when that monster tried to attack the children. I was furious, and it broke something open inside of me. That rush of power, the new attack, was another step towards who I was, and who I was going to be. _

_When I saw you and Mamoru trying to explain love to Ail and Ann, my heart ached. You spoke of how love was the consideration for others, __Mako__ said how those who know love are never alone…and yet, I ached. You had my love, the rest of the __senshi__ had my love, but still there was something missing. At that time, I didn't know what, but I knew I was not whole._

_Chibiusa__ is so like you in so many ways. Not that either of you would ever to admit to it. I watched you three, and I saw a family. I began to wonder what it would be like to be a part of something like that; to have my own family, to pursue my dreams. But when I tried to leave…it was impossible. I knew in that moment that I couldn't. Not because of fate, but because I couldn't leave you. __Any of you.__ As much as you needed me, I needed you. _

_When the lies started, they hurt. More than I would ever tell anyone. For so long, my intelligence was my identity, and to have it attacked so blatantly ripped me apart. Hearing their cries and whispers of cheating slashed me to pieces. And then, when the droid was in my mind, to think that you, my princess, actually believed them… __Betrayal of the worst kind.__ In that haze I struck at you. I'm sorry. I know you forgive me--you forgive everyone--and even __though that was what snapped me back into reality, I find it hard to forgive myself. _

_What I remember most clearly from when our __Chibiusa__ was the Black Lady is not actually of her. We knew that she was being controlled, and I trusted that you would win her back to us. __But…__Saffir__ Seeing him die, I felt a pang that I didn't expect. He had been an enemy, yet he was not evil. Not truly. He was a brother, a friend, __beloved__. And he was lost. Both of them, so very lost. I grieved for him, though I didn't let any of you know. I saw some of myself in him as he stood and fell, trying to defend his brother from the evil he had seen, and that was when I finally understood you a bit more. You were always able to see the light that no one else could. You looked into our enemies and saw something of their hearts that connected you. _

_I think all of us have been a little bit in love with your Mamoru. His kindness to me that day in the park helped me believe that I really was more than just someone who studied. He made me feel that maybe I had a little bit of the same light you shone so brightly with. __That my dreams were good dreams._

_You always saw more than the bookworm, the brain to be used and discarded. That's one of the reason I cherish you like I do; you were the first. The first person that I could believe wanted to be with me simply for me, not because of anything I could do for them. Yes, I am your soldier, your protector, but even before we knew that, you were kind to me. I craved that kindness more than anyone knew, and you gave it so freely. _

_So many enemies that were not truly enemies.__ The one called the Messiah of Silence, the small girl who became Mistress Nine… You saved them. You truly are the savior of all of us._

_You were there to help me as I discovered who I was, even if you didn't always play a role in it. Helping __Natsumi__ with the car, being on the beach with Shingo, having my Dream Mirror looked at, and __Nishio__…_

_Nishio__ Toshiyuki. I'll never forget him; his memory and his music will always be a cherished part of who I am. You were the only one who saw, you know. I was able to hide my tears from everyone but you. And then, when that __lemure__ had you all trapped, and __Nishio__ was…__Nishio__ was as violated as I was when they stole my mirror, I heard her. Her voice as much mine as anything else, and yet…not. A greater being than I was at that moment, a strength I hadn't tapped. When I embraced myself I remembered what it was to dream. How bittersweet that was; to remember, and wish, and want, but to be unable to chase anything but the one dream I had not chosen-yours. Don't get me wrong, it was my dream too, but it wasn't my only dream. My personal dreams would have to wait, just as they'd waited in the first life._

_Poor __Neherenia__. Misguided and confused, and so, so alone.__ You felt compassion even when she threw your daughter to what she thought would be her death. You never tried to destroy, my princess, my queen, and that makes you even more precious to me. _

_When the Three Lights came to our school everyone was so excited! Even though I was shy to admit it, I was so happy. Then, as we got to know them, it was even better, though there were new enemies and the mystery of the __Starlights__. I was glad when __Taiki__ discovered that the stars can hold romance, and pleased that my words might have made a difference to him. Everyone should be able to dream of things like romance in the stars. Now that we know who the __Starlights__ are, it makes it even more special to me to think that __Taiki__ has learned from us here on Earth. __Seiya__ and __Yaten__ as well.__ I'm glad we know them as they truly are. Glad they know us. _

Now, here we are. Standing at odds with a power greater than any we've ever known. Galaxia. It saddens me to think of all the senshi she stole, all the lives she corrupted. I wish…I wish you could have healed them. The Starlights stand by your side now that we cannot. You will win, my princess. I'm so happy to have fought by your side, and am glad to have been able to protect those who are important. They'll protect you, Usa, since we can't anymore. I'm fading now, but it's okay. Win, Usagi. Heal the universe. I know you can. I believe in you, Serenity. Bring back the world we knew and loved, and maybe us with it. Eventually, we will all find our dream. After all, for us…

death means nothing.


End file.
